Virtual Flirtation 101

In May, angry at her on-again/off-again boyfriend of eight years, my friend Carolee created a profile on e-Harmony. She confessed when I asked about "the man" while we were in Peru. We talked--okay, we giggled, too--on several occasions during our travels about her experience with the process up to that point, and ultimately, to encourage her (Carolee is totally a social being) and offer moral support, I volunteered to flirt virtually with her for one summer month upon our return to the states. Once stateside, however, I discovered that Carolee's $20/month subscription fee to e-Harmony was one deal the company had no intention of offering me; one month for me would cost $60. Well, I backed right out of my proposal, fully admitting that $60 towards new shoes carried exceedingly more sway for me than the opportunity play the online dating game. So, while in the states this summer, I bought four pairs of shoes instead!

I have several friends who have sampled the online meet and match scene--some just to dabble, others to seriously engage with the method. One of my friends actually met her now husband on a site such as e-Harmony, and another one is still corresponding with someone she met through an online service. In August Carolee described a few of her "matches" to me, sought advice on how to respond, and continued to suggest that I check out e-Harmony's site. The week I spent in Japan before reporting back to school I finally succumbed to my curiosity and logged in to e-Harmony.

Guess what! You can have your personality/character evaluated, set up your entire profile, and begin receiving matches without paying the subscription fee! During one afternoon I took the personality survey, which seemed like a fairly accurate analysis except for the part that said I am "outgoing"--generally not a descriptor for me. Then I established my "settings" and kinda sorta completed portions of my profile by responding to about two/thirds of the guiding questions...rather briefly, I've since learned, in comparison to other's responses. Within 24 hours I received notification of SIX matches, and, within the next 24 hours, three of those six proceeded to dump me, all three providing as a reason NO PHOTO! (One also included the information that he was pursuing another relationship while another one also included that I lived too far away. Since I used my summertime stateside location for my profile, I'm sure "Japan" would have been a critically negative additional fact for that one!)

The next day I uploaded a photo of me taken in Peru--certainly not a "glamour" shot, as is a suggestion by the site for a higher probability of success--and I haven't been dumped since. Now, to fully appreciate this development, you should know that each day since I created that profile I receive notification of four to six new matches. (Four more showed up today, by the way.) I now have over fifty matches scattered all across the USA plus Ireland!

However, because I have yet to be convinced I want to spend $60 to subscribe to e-Harmony, I only have access to the profiles of my matches...minus their photo(s). That's right--I am not permitted to SEE a visual unless I subscribe. I also cannot communicate with any of my matches. Five have indicated they would like to communicate with me, four with "guided communication" and one with "fast-track." Guided communication happens by sending questions selected from an e-Harmony designed list of questions, usually five at a time. There are four multiple choice answers provided for each question or the recipient can write his/her own response. Even in my "unsubscribed" status, I can look at the questions each of my communicative matches has chosen to send my way--and all four included "Do you consider yourself physically affectionate when involved in a relationship?"--but any responses from me cannot be sent...unless I subscribe! For the "faster" track scenario, I remain mostly clueless, although I suspect it includes emailing each other directly but with e-Harmony as the host; we would not have each other's personal email addresses. However, e-Harmony will not allow me to explore "fast-track" at all without--you know it--a paid subscription from me.

For awhile I found reading the profiles of matches somewhat entertaining, usually interesting, and occasionally thought-provoking. Eventually I can always deduce why we were "matched." And I have discovered, rather eerily too, that there really are a few people out there who write into a profile--content and style--very similarly to what I write into a profile. Now, though, two weeks into this experiment, I suspect I've wearied of profile reading because I have at least ten I haven't read yet; maybe I'll be inspired to open some more of them and maybe not. The virtual world of classes to take, games to play, flirtation to employ, and whatever else has often been a difficult sell for me. I prefer real bodies in a classroom, wind in my face, and the opportunity to look into someone's eyes. And, on the scale of desire, shoes still trump a subscription to e-Harmony.